I sat beside the road in the rain. A hot coffee in my hand. My mind was blank. Nothing, seriously. Nada.
My mind didn’t do the talk. But my heart. Deep inside of my heart, I felt sad. Every time when it is raining, my mind will just fly. Fly to nowhere but thinking of how long could I handle this? How long could I pretend that it is ok which it is not really ok?
As I always do when I know I lose or frustrated. Just a simple sigh. No grumbling. No mumbling. Or even no frown on my sweet cheeky long face. I prefer to hide my feeling beneath my heart. No one should know. No. Not even my family. I don’t care if they want to think that I am self centered or idiot. Or any of thousands word they could use from the dictionary that can best describe about me.
I thought of Kath.
Yes, about her. She was still in Taiwan. On vacation with her lover even though she claimed that she has no feeling anymore toward him. I trusted her of course. If I didn’t, how could I be with her till now? Knowing that I’m sharing my lover with another person. It was a heartache. Painful. Pain that you can’t bear with a virgin heart. Mine was mended.
I had been busy with my work. My study. My activities. I did many things to keep me alive and not to think about her so much. Not that I wanted to ignore her. But just that I didn’t want to think or say thing that I don’t mean.
I love her.
I looked at my paper cup that filled with coffee. The coffee was already cold. It just leaked through my finger as the rain kept pouring into the cup. I threw it away. I was totally soaked. I didn’t care.
I looked up to the sky and murmured:
“God, I know my relationship now is forbidden. But I love her so much and I want her to grow old with me till my last breath”.
Sighed. This time it was heavy.
She will arrive at the airport at 11pm. I will fetch her. I wanted to solve this problem for the last time. One last time. No regret. No more pain. Even though I have to live like a corpse with no soul. I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I didn’t want my mended heart been torn again. No Kath… No.
It was 11pm.
I waited for her at the airport. She walked through the arrival door. She smiled at me. I waved my hand. I smiled back. Only God knows how much I miss her. Most important, how much I love her. I took her luggage and brought to my car. She followed happily. I drove to her house.
As soon as we entered the house, she kissed me. Kissed me deep. For the 20 minutes, we just let the lips did the talking. I knew, it was not the right time to ask or tell anything heartrending.
I held her hand and walked to her room.
“Angel, take off your clothes and go to the shower and I will go in in a minute”.
“Ok, but don’t take too long Sunshine” she replied happily knowing that I would showered her, rubbed her back and shampooed her silky hair.
“I love you”. A simple replied from me. My mind still running wild.
“I love you more!” she simply screamed.
I took off my clothes. I looked at my belly button ring and it reminds me why I did the piercing before. It was because of her. I wanted to experience what ever she has been going through. Even the pain. I didn’t care if anyone would call me faggot just because I have this piercing.
I walked to the shower room. Opened the door and I saw a beautiful body in the shower. She smiled. She purposely splashed the water to my face. Cold water! She knew how much I hate cold water especially early in the morning and late at night.
“Hey! It’s cold!”
“Hahaha so?”. She replied naughtily.
I turned the hot water to make the shower warm. Ah…I felt good. I hugged her from the back, under the shower. Whispered “I love you angel”. She held my hand and put it around her waist. I kissed her neck. Her earlobe. She moaned. I started to caress her. She did the same. It was a hot shower session. I felt like I was in heaven. Satisfied.
She put her cream on while I lied in bed. I didn’t talk much. In fact, I didn’t talk at all since I went out of the shower. She knew there is something not right.
“Sunshine, I know it is dark now but that doesn’t mean you cannot shine at night. Moon needs you to proudly shine bright”. She said it cheekily.
“We must discuss about something important Angel. I want you to choose now, tonight, who you want to be with”. I asked her while I looked down on the pillow on my thigh.
“Sunshine, I already told him that I choose you and we broke up. It was a hard decision to make and it even harder for him to chew”.
I was shock. I stayed silent for few minutes.
“Sunshine, you ok?” she asked.
“I’m so happy Angel! Very happy! Tomorrow I want us to celebrate. We will go somewhere for the champagne. Ok?” I replied.
“Sure Sunshine… with you is always my pleasure”.
“Angel, I want to grow old with you. I want to be with you till the end of my life. I really do!” my heart beats was fast like I was going to get a heart attack.
“But how if I don’t like your wrinkles?” she grinned.
“Then I must make sure I can afford plastic surgery!” I replied back while pinching her cute cheek and pulled her close to me. I kissed her deep with my eyes closed tightly.
We both laughed. Breaking the silence of the night.